Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
