Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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