we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Mom said you looked used
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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