My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
