If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
