We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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