Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
