I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
