apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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