if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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