Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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