I'm going to jail i love you
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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