I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
