The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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