but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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