$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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