I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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