proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
