Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
