I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
pop tarts are not kleenex
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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