Slut skills are useful in every country.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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