Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
