Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
