totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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