I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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