Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
