dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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