woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
