Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
My cat gives me a boner
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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