I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize