Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
