I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
