Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
