Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
