I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
