apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
