I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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