I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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