my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
