took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
