there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
