Betty ford says i'm here all night
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
