I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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