New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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