You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
