I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
