I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
