i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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