and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
