We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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